I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
