Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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