Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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