Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
