Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
