so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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