its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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