i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
