You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
