It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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