Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
