Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
