The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
and you fell through a lawn chair
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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