he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
