WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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