Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
