he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
