I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
