I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
