Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
