Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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