I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize