I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
