I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
smell my finger.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
