So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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