I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
