I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
did you just send me my own nude
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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