I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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