foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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