I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
