Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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