I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize