Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
