went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
