just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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