i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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