he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
