I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
