Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
