I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
