my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
