It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
