Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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