You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
time to smoke my breakfast
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
