im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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