She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
