you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
