i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
