My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
