after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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