your parents love me but you hate me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
