I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
