I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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