This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
