I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
