Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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