I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
