You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
