i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
