I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
