Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
