New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
50% drunk capacity currently
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
